Revised Crew 228 Journalist Report October 6th

DAD JOKES ON MARS
Lindsay Rutter
Commander, Crew 228

Disclaimer: The sequence of events has been modified for creative purposes.

We Areonauts followed all planetary protection directives set forth by COVID amendments to the COSPAR treaties. And we successfully prevented the spread of the terrestrial virus into a space virus. But no matter how careful we were, there was one pest that hitchhiked its way onto our spacecraft and now can never be stopped – the Dad joke.

Dad jokes cannot be sterilized. There are no vaccines for Dad jokes. They are extremophiles of the highest order, surviving anything you throw at them, including microgravity and radiation. This is unequivocal.

It all started soon after we exited the Karman line. A crew member (who requested anonymity) let out what was unmistakably a Dad joke: "Just look at the rotation of the Earth from here. It really makes my day! …. Get it?"

For the most part, we tactfully ignored it. But then the crew member added: “Wanna know why we’re not stopping at the Moon along the way? Because it’s full!”

I can’t help but think most of the crew said a little prayer that night in their staterooms, hoping that would be the end of it.

As the solar days turn to solar months, it has become clear we will see no end to the Dad joke. A pattern has emerged. First, a crew member will slip out a Dad joke. Then, there is a moment of silence, followed by a cacophony of groans. Sometimes, the crew will clear the room, essentially imposing an unspoken quarantine on the source of the joke, who is left alone to reflect on how they are no Jerry Seinfeld.

We each have been that person. And we each have reflected in isolation. But still, the Dad jokes continue.

"Hey guys, what is the most important part of our computers up here?" A crew member asked one day. "The space key!"

With that, we finally called Mission Control.

"Crew 228 to Mission Control. We might have the Dad joke up here. Can you confirm: when is a joke so bad it becomes a Dad joke?"

"When it’s apparent." Mission Control responded with a straight face. Then they laughed at their own joke for one minute straight. That’s when we knew – even Mission Control was infected!

In a last-ditch bid to rid ourselves of the pest, we wrote down the worst jokes that have been committed on Mars so far, and ran the paper through the compost shredder. But this purification ceremony only emboldened the Dad joke, which victoriously resurrected itself within minutes when a crew member blurted out an all-new-low variant of the offense.

We have since surrendered defeat to the Dad joke. And even though we weren’t trained for it, we have learned to cope with it and will share our strategies in an operational report.

It is possible that, one day, the social contagion that is the Dad joke will make the fateful leap from human beings to AI beings. And should the AI community recursively self-improve the cheesiness factor, it will emerge worse than what we can even imagine today. It will be so bad, it will be almost transcendentally bad. What happens at that point – to space exploration, to consciousness in the universe – awaits latently in the realms of science fiction. Only time will tell.

Today, I transmit a rather sobering report that the Dad joke will always go wherever humans go. And now that we humans have landed on Mars, it is here with us to stay.

What to make of this, I wonder? If we couldn’t leave the Dad joke behind, is it possible to prevent contaminating Mars with other human transgressions? The wars? The corruption? The pollution?

I can’t help but fret sometimes. I’m concerned.

Why, nice to meet you, concerned! I’m Dad!

Crew 228 Journalist Report October 8th

THE LAST SUNRISE
Jin Sia
HSO, Crew 228

Disclaimer: The characters are based on the real Areonauts of Crew
228, but the story is entirely fictional to depict an emotional rather
than physical journey.

Dedicated to all who have looked up at the night sky and dreamed
impossible dreams.

— I: ROLL-OUT —

"What, my boy, you are not weeping? You should save your eyes for sight;
You will need them, mine observer, yet for many another night."

– Sarah Williams, ‘The Old Astronomer (to His Pupil)’

And as rapidly as the mission started, it came to an end.

The last few days of the stay on Mars were hectic with preparations to
leave. Three sols before liftoff, breakfast was eaten under a
deafening pall of silence. Minds had begun to stray to last-minute
data collection or to the inevitable litany of press conferences and
presentations that awaited them on Earth. Jin’s was lost in the
labyrinthine regulations governing planetary protection, while Inga’s
chewed on the logistics of defending her PhD thesis remotely from a
spacecraft during the six-month voyage home.

It was Dave who broke the silence: "Could you all please be a bit quieter?"

Amid the chorus of laughter, the crew felt a little more like a crew once again.

Lindsay spent most of her days in the Science Dome, working late hours
in a determined bid to find alien microbes in her samples of the
Jotunheim structure. After 2200 hours, the sound of Inga’s keyboard
chattering away pounded against her closed room door. Jin seemed to be
writing constantly, perhaps some email summarizing his geographical
findings to his contact on Earth or blogging about the events of the
day. Dave was the only one who seemed unbothered by the go-go-go
thrumming drone of work. He investigated the mysteries of the Hab’s
water system and the radios in his methodical engineer’s way.

The dust storms of the previous two days had cleared over Candor
Chasma. The Sun stretched its hands through the portholes, painting
oval spots of warmth on the room doors. The sky glowed a dusty Martian
pink, oblivious to the gray sternness of the sols before. The mascot,
Tiny Diamond, stood in the window as he always had, silver hair afire
like the lining of a stray stormcloud. A conversation about the water
tank echoed up the stairs.

— II: GO —

"Fortune has taken away, but Fortune has given. Let us greedily enjoy
our friends, because we do not know how long this privilege will be
ours."

– Seneca the Younger

"Do we really have to go back to Earth?" said Inga as the Areonauts
suited up in the Hab’s lower deck.

"Not sick of us yet?" Jin replied.

"Oh no, I’m just sicker of Earth than I am of you."

"I’ll take that as a compliment."

Both chuckled and grinned, but the grins soon dissipated like smoke.

The lower deck was suffused with a muted melancholy mood – not like
the other EVA preparation sessions, which always had a spark of
excitement to them. Once all the visors had snapped closed and the
life support packs were whirring away, they tore themselves away from
the Hab’s interior and clambered into the airlock. Leaving Mars was
necessary, for there was work to be done for the species the Areonauts
had left behind.

As they walked out of the airlock and to the pressurized long-range
rover, Jin turned around to look at the Hab one last time – the
faithful Hab that had kept them alive for six months in space and
nearly two years on the Martian surface. It had weathered ferocious
dust storms and the sleet of radiation from Solar flares. Its water
system was leaky, its fire detectors were trigger-happy, and it had
nearly run out of power once, but it was still home.

The next crew to land at Candor Chasma would be a special one – a team
of teachers, working for the benefit of both Earth and Mars with
laser-focused determination to raise up the next generation of space
explorers. Then, there would be the first all-women crew to land on
Mars. Plans had been conceived so that the other five Areonauts still
Earth-bound – Ludo, Yuzo-san, Stu, Marufa, and Charikleia – would one
day warm the Hab’s rooms and be as stunned by the austere beauty of
the planet as the crews before them were.

Jin turned his back on the Hab and joined the others in the rover. He
slammed the door shut, repressurized the rover, and they drove off
together into their last sunrise on Mars.

— III: ORBIT —

"Prometheus they say, brought God’s fire down to Man,
and we’ve caught it, tamed it, trained it, since our history began.
And now we’re going back to Heaven, just to look Him in the eye,
there’s a thunder ‘cross the land, and a fire in the sky!"

– Jordin Kare, ‘Fire in the Sky’

An email flashed on the screen of the Earth Return Vehicle’s cockpit:
"Areonauts go for Mars ascent final checklist."

"Alright, we’ve gotten the go for launch," said Dave, in the pilot’s
seat. "Here’s the final checklist. Fuel – one hundred percent. Life
support?"

"Reserves at one hundred percent, recyclers nominal, atmosphere is
good," reported Jin.

These had been checked and rechecked hundreds of times in the past
hour by the flight computer, but Dave’s meticulousness took no
chances. Finally, after dozens of items, he reached the last line of
the checklist.

"Commander, are we go for launch?"

There was no hesitation. "Go for launch," said Lindsay.

"Okay, we’re on auto sequencer," said Dave. "Tanks pressurizing,
chilling turbopumps, igniter armed…"

The vehicle began to hum as its auxiliary power units started.

"Eight, seven, six, five, four, three…"

The turbopumps screamed to life and the ship vibrated, straining like
a wild animal caught in a trap.

"…two, one, zero."

With surprising force, the ship leapt into the Martian morning sky
upon a pillar of fire and sound. The reddish-brown mesas and plains
shuddered and fell away.

"Off we go!" exclaimed Lindsay. "Woo hoo!"

As the ship ascended, the gees piled on. Two gees crushed them into
their seats. Three gees. Four gees. Jet black darkness flooded the
butterscotch sky. As the ship pitched over on its trajectory, the dark
sky disappeared from the windows and was replaced by the ochre sands
of Mars stretching out above them, like a mural on a gargantuan chapel
ceiling. They raced under the ancient, tortured plains of Arabia
Terra. Clusters of craters left their view as soon as they appeared.
For long minutes, the Earth Return Vehicle gathered speed upon speed
upon speed, going faster and faster across the terrain as its tanks
ran dry.

The engines shut down. The awful weight leapt off the Areonauts’
chests and they drank in their suits’ oxygen greedily, catching their
breath. They heard the staccato bang-bang-bang of attitude control
thrusters firing as the guidance computer fine-tuned their velocity.
The ship gently rolled over to point its solar panels at the Sun, and
the windows were filled with darkness again.

And in that darkness, steady and bright, a blue point of light pierced
through the firmament. No-one needed to say anything to know what it
was. Earth was calling her children home.

— IV: RETROGRADE —

"I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree."

– Joyce Kilmer, ‘Trees’

The capsule shook and shuddered as it plummeted out of the sky like a
stone. There was a bang as a mortar in the nose fired and
luridly-colored drogue chutes blossomed open in the dense Earth air.
After three years of fractional gravity, the deceleration of four gees
felt like being squeezed in a vice.

Seconds later, the drogue chutes fell away and the main chutes opened,
filling the windows.

The altimeter counted down.

Five hundred metres. Four hundred. Three hundred. Two hundred. One hundred.

A final lurch knocked the air out of the Areonauts as the capsule met
the water. It rolled and pitched like a wild bull for a few seconds
before settling into an upright position. Then, there was silence save
for the gentle splashing of the waves.

Snap.

Dave was the first to open his visor and inhale the salty atmosphere
of the Florida coast, which had been admitted through valves that had
opened in the ceiling.

Snap. Snap. Snap.

The other three opened their visors and inhaled deeply. The fragrance
was sharp and biting, after years of sterile, metallic-smelling
recycled air. Seagulls squawked as they flew over the capsule,
scattering from the cacophony of the approaching recovery barge. They
sounded uncannily familiar, like hypnotic music heard in a dream, or
embers of memory from a life long past.

"Well, that was fun!" said Lindsay. "Anyone wanna go again?"

— V: RECOVERY —

"Here he lies where he longed to be;
Home is the sailor, home from sea,
And the hunter home from the hill."

– Robert Louis Stevenson, ‘Requiem’

Cameras exploded with light like supernovae in the night.

After three years in the womb of a spaceship, the Areonauts squinted
in the harsh glare of the stagelights, hunched forward on the table.
Earth’s gravity well was obviously pleased, in its own jealous way, to
have them back. Journalists had filled the auditorium, some crushed
against the walls. After years of having only each other for company,
to the crew, the immense throng of people seemed to add a few extra
bars of atmospheric pressure to the room.

"Commander Rutter!" came a voice near the front. Lindsay struggled to
find the journalist’s face in the glare. "James Reed, New York Times.
In your opinion, were you or Dr. Popovaite the first to set foot on
Mars, and what does this mean for women in STEM?"

The moment her lips parted to answer, another question cannonballed
out of the darkness.

"Mr. Sia, Fauzi bin Rashid from The Malay Mail. What is your response
to criticism that you have spent too long in the West and have lost
your Malaysian roots?"

Another question, this time with a light German accent.

"Dr. Popovaite, Anna Schoellig from Deutsche Welle. Do you think the
European Space Agency has done enough to support space research in
Lithuania?"

"Alright, one at a time!" Dave said, firmly but without a hint of
being rattled. A hand went up. "There, the lady in the black vest."

"Joanne Swanbeck, The Guardian," said the journalist. "This question
is for the whole crew. You spent three years in space, away from your
friends and families, risking your lives, and giving all you had to
complete the mission. Do you think it was worth it?"

The Areonauts glanced at each other.

Lindsay leaned forward to the microphone. "Yes, it was."

Dave added, "That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it."

The Areonauts burst out in raucous laughter. The journalists, space
agency officials, and dignitaries in the room looked at each other in
abject confusion.

"Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you’re destined for.
But don’t hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you’re old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you’ve gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn’t have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now."

– Constantine P. Cavafy, ‘Ιθάκη’ (Ithaka), translated by Edmund Keeley

END

Journalist Report – October 07th

THE SOUNDS OF MARS
Lindsay Rutter
Commander, Crew 228

Sounds on Mars, punctuated with Japanese onomatopoeia.

Disclaimer: The sequence of events has been modified for creative purposes.

========== Verse One ==========

"You hear that? That whistling sound? Whoooooo," one asked.

"That sure is weird music," the other replied.

On the dark side of the Moon, Apollo 10 astronauts Eugene Cernan and John Young describe its hauntingly beautiful melody. But the Moon should have no sound – there is no sound medium. Turns out the mysterious music was only VHF radio interference between the Command Module and the Lunar Module. The public hears the eerie sounds decades later.

We suit up for our first EVA. A muffled buzzing comes from our air supply. [ぶんぶん Buuuun Buuuun]. It echoes in our space helmets. Will we hear much of Mars beyond this purring?

Standing in the airlock, the five minute countdown initiates. Our emotions well up into what almost feels like a sound.

[わくわく Waku Waku].

That is the sound of anticipation in Japanese. In English, onomatopoeia is restricted to physical sounds. But in Japanese, onomatopoeia extends past this physical limitation. Our emotions, our sensations, our motions, our appearance, how we experience nature – all of these conditions have sound symbolism in Japanese.

We step onto the landscape and squint our eyes at the dizzying splendor. The Sun blazes its sweltering song. [ぎらぎら Gira Gira]. Jin and I depart on our rovers, Perseverance and Curiosity. We hear a raspy track from the gravel below. [凸凹 Deko Boko].

Percy is determined to detect life, meticulously caching rock samples. They say the tune a rock hums when Percy’s laser strikes it is what allows us to infer mass and relative hardness. Today, Jin and I join Percy in her passion project. Our target destination is Jotunheim, Homeland of the Gods. The inverted river channel is believed to contain potential biochemistry of interest and our mission is to confirm this hypothesis.

We traverse the dangerous terrain at the speed of sound. The sound of a snail’s pace, that is. [のろのろ Noro Noro].

"Slow is smooth and smooth is fast," Jin says.

Disembarking at a predetermined location near Jotunheim, we contact HABCOM.

"EVA to HABCOM. We arrived at the junction. We will now circumnavigate the feature by foot. Expect a radio blackout. We will reestablish connection by 0945."

"HABCOM to EVA. Contact by 0945. Copy that."

We head to Jotunheim by foot. The vermillion regolith sighs hoarsely as we walk on it. [さくさく Saku Saku].

A smoky mint-green sand is exposed beneath. The elevated remains of the ancient river come into view. My head sweeps across the field from left to right, a stunning panorama. Variegated mesas and stately buttes pepper the landscape. We begin collecting samples from the precipitous slopes of Jotunheim. The steepness proves hard to navigate, and I stagger backward, with my heavy spacesuit exacerbating my descent.

I stomp down the slopes until I regain my balance. [ドドドドド Do Do Do Do Do]!

My heartbeat percusses in my ears. [ドキドキ Doki Doki]!

A fall in this harsh world, and I would become one with the dusty landscape.

"Slow is smooth and smooth is fast," a concerned Jin reminds me.

We finish our sample collection. 0938. Seven minutes remain. We walk back to our rovers, and hear the splashy chimes of precipitation. [ぽたぽた Pota Pota].

"EVA to HABCOM. We have sampled Jotunheim. We will continue Northward to examine the raised sea-green dome structure. Do you copy?"

"HABCOM to EVA. We have precipitation. You are not authorized to continue the EVA." Our radios warble with static. [ざーざー Zaa Zaa].

Did they say we ARE authorized or we ARE NOT authorized? One word sure can make a difference! Even Neil Armstrong confided his infamous line was recorded in the history books with one word missing.

I am pretty sure they said we ARE authorized. But sometimes we hear what we want to hear!

"I repeat. You are NOT authorized to continue the EVA. Please return to the HAB immediately."

It was clear. Even the pink noise of the static could not conceal it.

"Okay. This is the saddest moment of my life," I say, duplicating the 50-year-old words Ed White muttered, when he did not want to return from his spacewalk.

We return to the HAB without incident.

========== Verse Two ==========

Back in the ScienceDome, I attempt to extract DNA from the samples. Bead-beating. Eluting. Vortexing. I pipette the liquified regolith into tubes the size of my pinky. I line them up in a microtube rack.

"Hey, they look like tiny chocolate milkshakes in little cupholders!" I say to Jin.

"Can I try one?" Jin asks, hopefully jokingly.

He stands to my right, but his voice arrives at my left. My head spins. A whispering gallery effect. The circular enclosure propagates sound waves along its walls, betraying our intuitive senses.

I attempt to separate the contents of the regolith samples by density. But the microcentrifuge looks ancient. It whirls into a hustled spin – but is it really reaching 14,400 RPM?

We use auditory evidence to check. Everything that spins causes a vibration at the frequency of its spin. Jin analyzes those vibrations with his Spectroid app. Rainbow ribbons of Fourier transformed vibrations twirl across his screen.

"Yes, it is spinning at 14,400 RPM," he says.

Jin, the audio detective.

========== Verse Three ==========

Back in the GreenHab, Inga works her magic. Green popping sounds. [にょきにょき Nyoki Nyoki]. The plants sprout their seed leaves. The microscopic shoots fizzle throughout the space garden. Her years of living on an organic farm are showing.

Inga harvests rosemary, and carefully documents its weight. She tallies precious greeneries in our Martian station. Inga sprinkles the herbs onto delicious soup that she concocted from water and powder.

The hearty warmth of the food is like a sweet lullaby. [ほかほか Hoka Hoka]. We all gather around the table to share dinner.

Dave regales us with a story from the summer of 1969. The grumbling and rumbling. The roaring and thundering. [ごろごろ Goro Goro]. The Apollo 11 liftoff happened right before his very eyes. And its bass drumming sent a rolling shockwave through the gathered crowds.

I glance around the table. All crew are happily listening. Their smiles are an allegro chorus. [にこにこ Niko Niko].

We turn off the lights. Our tin can morphs into a riveting cinema. Then Dave plays us his original concerto, "Sunrise from Olympus Mons", composed on his 1040ST mid-1980s Atari computer. It starts with a pianississimo ensemble of ephemeral nocturnal sounds. They gradually crescendo as the blue glow of sunrise lights up the Martian terrain.

[ごんごん Gon Gon]!

An unwanted fortissimo from the pipe of our loft water tank. It thumps loudly, comically interrupting the music. Back leakage in the valves have sounded off every few minutes in our mission. The pipe must feel resentful to hear refined music it could never replicate.

Dave’s concerto ignores the interruption. His electronic orchestration continues to enchant us. Flutes. Organs. Pianos. “Ice-Rain Locust” Sound Effects. The sun has now almost fully risen in his composition.

[ごんごん Gon Gon]! [ごんごん Gon Gon]!

The pipes welt at us again.

As our evening winds down, Jin records our body temperature for the Planetary Protection Office. Our daily monitoring prevents astrovirological complications.

[カタカタ Kata Kata]. Clickety Clackety. He types away, sending our anonymized body temperatures to our remote flight surgeon.

We return to our staterooms for sleep. Dave turns off the water tank. Nobody wants to hear what sounds like machine gun sound effects from the Space Force in their dreams!

========== Verse Four ==========

Feeling cozy and content in my stateroom, I suddenly remember I need to finish one last science recording. Begrudgingly, I brave the pitch-black tunnel system and scurry at a prestissimo cadence toward the ScienceDome. As I place my flashlight down to turn the heavy submarine hatch door, I sense something is behind me. I turn around to see nothing but darkness. I chuckle at my cowardice. Nobody else is on this Martian terrain! I quickly enter the ScienceDome and turn on the light. My mind becomes engrossed in the meticulous world of molecular biology.

[ぴぴ Pi Pi]!

A sudden beeping sound. Coming from the door.

[ぞっとZotto]!

A shiver run down my spine. Who (or what!) is at the door?

My head whiplashes toward the door window. Pitch black. The sound came from the power system on the opposite side of the room. Fooled by the whispering gallery effect.

========== Verse Five ==========

Back at the HAB, I lay my head down on the fluffy pillow to the sound of soft clouds. [ふわふわ Fuwa Fuwa].

The musical performance of the sol replays in my head.

[ぶんぶん 。わくわく。ぎらぎら。凸凹。のろのろ。さくさく。ドドドドド!ドキドキ!ぽたぽた。ざーざー。にょきにょき。ほかほか。ごろごろ。にこにこ。ごんごん。カタカタ。ぴぴ!ぞっと!ふわふわ。]

[Buuuun Buuuun. Waku Waku. Gira Gira. Deko Boko. Noro Noro. Saku Saku. Do Do Do Do Do! Doki Doki! Pota Pota. Zaa Zaa. Nyoki Nyoki. Hoka Hoka. Goro Goro. Niko Niko. Gon Gon. Kata Kata. Pi Pi! Zotto! Fuwa Fuwa.]

Are we living in Dave’s concerto? Is this all a simulated reality?

The piece ends with a final tenuto.

[しーん Shin].

The sound of silence.

Journalist Report – October 75th

THE SOUNDS OF MARS
Lindsay Rutter
Commander, Crew 228

Sounds on Mars, punctuated with Japanese onomatopoeia.

Disclaimer: The sequence of events has been modified for creative purposes.

========== Verse One ==========

"You hear that? That whistling sound? Whoooooo," one asked.

"That sure is weird music," the other replied.

On the dark side of the Moon, Apollo 10 astronauts Eugene Cernan and
John Young describe its hauntingly beautiful melody. But the Moon
should have no sound – there is no sound medium. Turns out the
mysterious music was only VHF radio interference between the Command
Module and the Lunar Module. The public hears the eerie sounds decades
later.

We suit up for our first EVA. A muffled buzzing comes from our air
supply. [ぶんぶん Buuuun Buuuun]. It echoes in our space helmets. Will we
hear much of Mars beyond this purring?

Standing in the airlock, the five minute countdown initiates. Our
emotions well up into what almost feels like a sound.

[わくわく Waku Waku].

That is the sound of anticipation in Japanese. In English,
onomatopoeia is restricted to physical sounds. But in Japanese,
onomatopoeia extends past this physical limitation. Our emotions, our
sensations, our motions, our appearance, how we experience nature –
all of these conditions have sound symbolism in Japanese.

We step onto the landscape and squint our eyes at the dizzying
splendor. The Sun blazes its sweltering song. [ぎらぎら Gira Gira]. Jin
and I depart on our rovers, Perseverance and Curiosity. We hear a
raspy track from the gravel below. [凸凹 Deko Boko].

Percy is determined to detect life, meticulously caching rock samples.
They say the tune a rock hums when Percy’s laser strikes it is what
allows us to infer mass and relative hardness. Today, Jin and I join
Percy in her passion project. Our target destination is Jotunheim,
Homeland of the Gods. The inverted river channel is believed to
contain potential biochemistry of interest and our mission is to
confirm this hypothesis.

We traverse the dangerous terrain at the speed of sound. The sound of
a snail’s pace, that is. [のろのろ Noro Noro].

"Slow is smooth and smooth is fast," Jin says.

Disembarking at a predetermined location near Jotunheim, we contact HABCOM.

"EVA to HABCOM. We arrived at the junction. We will now circumnavigate
the feature by foot. Expect a radio blackout. We will reestablish
connection by 0945."

"HABCOM to EVA. Contact by 0945. Copy that."

We head to Jotunheim by foot. The vermillion regolith sighs hoarsely
as we walk on it. [さくさく Saku Saku].

A smoky mint-green sand is exposed beneath. The elevated remains of
the ancient river come into view. My head sweeps across the field from
left to right, a stunning panorama. Variegated mesas and stately
buttes pepper the landscape. We begin collecting samples from the
precipitous slopes of Jotunheim. The steepness proves hard to
navigate, and I stagger backward, with my heavy spacesuit exacerbating
my descent.

I stomp down the slopes until I regain my balance. [ドドドドド Do Do Do Do Do]!

My heartbeat percusses in my ears. [ドキドキ Doki Doki]!

A fall in this harsh world, and I would become one with the dusty landscape.

"Slow is smooth and smooth is fast," a concerned Jin reminds me.

We finish our sample collection. 0938. Seven minutes remain. We walk
back to our rovers, and hear the splashy chimes of precipitation.
[ぽたぽた Pota Pota].

"EVA to HABCOM. We have sampled Jotunheim. We will continue Northward
to examine the raised sea-green dome structure. Do you copy?"

"HABCOM to EVA. We have precipitation. You are not authorized to
continue the EVA." Our radios warble with static. [ざーざー Zaa Zaa].

Did they say we ARE authorized or we ARE NOT authorized? One word sure
can make a difference! Even Neil Armstrong confided his infamous line
was recorded in the history books with one word missing.

I am pretty sure they said we ARE authorized. But sometimes we hear
what we want to hear!

"I repeat. You are NOT authorized to continue the EVA. Please return
to the HAB immediately."

It was clear. Even the pink noise of the static could not conceal it.

"Okay. This is the saddest moment of my life," I say, duplicating the
50-year-old words Ed White muttered, when he did not want to return
from his spacewalk.

We return to the HAB without incident.

========== Verse Two ==========

Back in the ScienceDome, I attempt to extract DNA from the samples.
Bead-beating. Eluting. Vortexing. I pipette the liquified regolith
into tubes the size of my pinky. I line them up in a microtube rack.

"Hey, they look like tiny chocolate milkshakes in little cupholders!"
I say to Jin.

"Can I try one?" Jin asks, hopefully jokingly.

He stands to my right, but his voice arrives at my left. My head
spins. A whispering gallery effect. The circular enclosure propagates
sound waves along its walls, betraying our intuitive senses.

I attempt to separate the contents of the regolith samples by density.
But the microcentrifuge looks ancient. It whirls into a hustled spin –
but is it really reaching 14,400 RPM?

We use auditory evidence to check. Everything that spins causes a
vibration at the frequency of its spin. Jin analyzes those vibrations
with his Spectroid app. Rainbow ribbons of Fourier transformed
vibrations twirl across his screen.

"Yes, it is spinning at 14,400 RPM," he says.

Jin, the audio detective.

========== Verse Three ==========

Back in the GreenHab, Inga works her magic. Green popping sounds.
[にょきにょき Nyoki Nyoki]. The plants sprout their seed leaves. The
microscopic shoots fizzle throughout the space garden. Her years of
living on an organic farm are showing.

Inga harvests rosemary, and carefully documents its weight. She
tallies precious greeneries in our Martian station. Inga sprinkles the
herbs onto delicious soup that she concocted from water and powder.

The hearty warmth of the food is like a sweet lullaby. [ほかほか Hoka
Hoka]. We all gather around the table to share dinner.

Dave regales us with a story from the summer of 1969. The grumbling
and rumbling. The roaring and thundering. [ごろごろ Goro Goro]. The Apollo
11 liftoff happened right before his very eyes. And its bass drumming
sent a rolling shockwave through the gathered crowds.

I glance around the table. All crew are happily listening. Their
smiles are an allegro chorus. [にこにこ Niko Niko].

We turn off the lights. Our tin can morphs into a riveting cinema.
Then Dave plays us his original concerto, "Sunrise from Olympus Mons",
composed on his 1040ST mid-1980s Atari computer. It starts with a
pianississimo ensemble of ephemeral nocturnal sounds. They gradually
crescendo as the blue glow of sunrise lights up the Martian terrain.

[ごんごん Gon Gon]!

An unwanted fortissimo from the pipe of our loft water tank. It thumps
loudly, comically interrupting the music. Back leakage in the valves
have sounded off every few minutes in our mission. The pipe must feel
resentful to hear refined music it could never replicate.

Dave’s concerto ignores the interruption. His electronic orchestration
continues to enchant us. Flutes. Organs. Pianos. “Ice-Rain Locust”
Sound Effects. The sun has now almost fully risen in his composition.

[ごんごん Gon Gon]! [ごんごん Gon Gon]!

The pipes welt at us again.

As our evening winds down, Jin records our body temperature for the
Planetary Protection Office. Our daily monitoring prevents
astrovirological complications.

[カタカタ Kata Kata]. Clickety Clackety. He types away, sending our
anonymized body temperatures to our remote flight surgeon.

We return to our staterooms for sleep. Dave turns off the water tank.
Nobody wants to hear what sounds like machine gun sound effects from
the Space Force in their dreams!

========== Verse Four ==========

Feeling cozy and content in my stateroom, I suddenly remember I need
to finish one last science recording. Begrudgingly, I brave the
pitch-black tunnel system and scurry at a prestissimo cadence toward
the ScienceDome. As I place my flashlight down to turn the heavy
submarine hatch door, I sense something is behind me. I turn around
to see nothing but darkness. I chuckle at my cowardice. Nobody else is
on this Martian terrain! I quickly enter the ScienceDome and turn on
the light. My mind becomes engrossed in the meticulous world of
molecular biology.

[ぴぴ Pi Pi]!

A sudden beeping sound. Coming from the door.

[ぞっとZotto]!

A shiver run down my spine. Who (or what!) is at the door?

My head whiplashes toward the door window. Pitch black. The sound came
from the power system on the opposite side of the room. Fooled by the
whispering gallery effect.

========== Verse Five ==========

Back at the HAB, I lay my head down on the fluffy pillow to the sound
of soft clouds. [ふわふわ Fuwa Fuwa].

The musical performance of the sol replays in my head.

[ぶんぶん 。わくわく。ぎらぎら。凸凹
。のろのろ。さくさく。ドドドドド!ドキドキ!ぽたぽた。ざーざー。にょきにょき。ほかほか。ごろごろ。にこにこ。ごんごん。カタカタ。ぴぴ!ぞっと!ふわふわ。]

[Buuuun Buuuun. Waku Waku. Gira Gira. Deko Boko. Noro Noro. Saku Saku.
Do Do Do Do Do! Doki Doki! Pota Pota. Zaa Zaa. Nyoki Nyoki. Hoka Hoka.
Goro Goro. Niko Niko. Gon Gon. Kata Kata. Pi Pi! Zotto! Fuwa Fuwa.]

Are we living in Dave’s concerto? Is this all a simulated reality?

The piece ends with a final tenuto.

[しーん Shin].

The sound of silence.

Journalist Report – October 6th

DAD JOKES ON MARS
Lindsay Rutter
Commander, Crew 228

We Areonauts followed all planetary protection directives set forth by COVID amendments to the COSPAR treaties. And we successfully prevented the spread of the terrestrial virus into a space virus. But no matter how careful we were, there was one pest that hitchhiked its way onto our spacecraft and now can never be stopped – the Dad joke.

Dad jokes cannot be sterilized. There are no vaccines for Dad jokes. They are extremophiles of the highest order, surviving anything you throw at them, including microgravity and radiation. This is unequivocal.

It all started soon after we exited the Karman line. A crew member (who requested anonymity) let out what was unmistakably a Dad joke. For the most part, we tactfully ignored it. Still, I can’t help but think most of the crew said a little prayer that night in their staterooms, hoping that would be the end of it.

As the solar days turn to solar months, it has become clear we will see no end to the Dad joke. A pattern has emerged. First, a crew member will slip out a Dad joke. Then, there is a moment of silence, followed by a cacophony of groans. Sometimes, the crew will clear the room, essentially imposing an unspoken quarantine on the source of the joke, who is left alone to reflect on how they are no Jerry Seinfeld.

We each have been that person. And we each have reflected in isolation. But still, the Dad jokes continue.

In a last-ditch bid to rid ourselves of the pest, we wrote down the worst Dad jokes that have been committed on Mars so far, and ran the paper through the compost shredder. But this purification ceremony only emboldened the Dad joke, which victoriously resurrected itself within minutes when a crew member blurted out an all-new-low variant of the offense.

We have since surrendered defeat to the Dad joke.

It is possible that, one day, the social contagion of the Dad joke will make the fateful leap from human beings to AI beings. And should the AI community recursively self-improve the cheesiness factor, it will emerge worse than what we can even imagine today. It will be so bad, it will be almost transcendentally bad. What happens at that point – to space exploration, to consciousness in the universe – awaits latently in the realms of science fiction. Only time will tell.

Today, I transmit a rather sobering report that the Dad joke will always go wherever humans go. And now that we humans have landed on Mars, it is here with us to stay.

What to make of this, I wonder? If we couldn’t leave the Dad joke behind, is it possible to prevent contaminating Mars with other human transgressions? The wars. The corruption. The pollution.

I can’t help but fret sometimes. I’m concerned.

Why, nice to meet you, concerned! I’m Dad!

Journalist Report – October 05th

"The Case for Age"

While on EVA today the idea for this report began to take form in my mind. Here I am in the 65+ age group and walking about Mars. But of what use is age here? Is there any advantage? In "The Case For Mars" book a good argument is made for a small crew size with two of the crew being engineers with training in other essential areas. Things will break and that is very bad once you leave earth. Maybe deadly or mission ending. An engineer is usually highly trained in one narrow area (like micro-chip design in my case) and without a diverse knowledge base beyond that. I have heard that NASA has had a difficult time in recent decades recruiting engineers with a diverse experience base. They are highly trained in one niche, but can’t replace a lamp cord or spark plugs for instance. These engineers had missed out on hands on experiences from a young age maybe because of such distractions as "Smart" phones and other electronic information devices. I was blessed not to have those distractions in my youth. Around age 5, I was disassembling small mechanical devices (alarm clock). By age 8, I was disassembling old radios and an occasional TV, even removing rivets so I could add a tube socket to my building inventory that I knew not how to practically use yet. By age 10, I was not very successfull in making my own rockets, propellent and hydrogen bombs (using H and O2 gasses I derived by electrolysis and put into a small container with electrical detonator). By age 12, building some simple electronics devices and repairing radios, By age 14, repairing TVs. By age 16, repairing vehicles and most any other thing that most people would trash, I would restore for more years of use. I could go on, but you surely get my point by now. I used my hands and brains in a wide variety of productive ways that the social and entertainment apps of today would have deprived me of.

I have used that knowledge on Crew 80 and Crew 228 to repair such items as EVA suit electrical, toilets, water pump, ATV, door, radio, sink drain strainer, water heater and things I have since forgotten. And all with full confidence. The extremely useful skill of improvising is also a desirable trait, especially with limited resources.

With all that said, I can now say that one engineer should be older than the rest of the crew for the greater depth and breadth of experience in many mechanical and electrical systems starting from a young age. Good luck finding such a person. Should the author of "The Case For Mars" read this, I can imagine seeing one or two thumbs up to "The Case For Age".

David Laude

Crew 228 Executive Officer/Crew Engineer

Crew 228 Journalist Report October 4th

The Other

“Do you think EVAs are becoming more routine now?” I ask Jin as we check our radios. “I don’t know, we do try to spice it up by going to different locations every time,” he replies.

What I truly want to know, when does it start feeling routine? When does the simulation get under our skin and become the shared reality we know?

We stand in the airlock for five minutes. We walk to the rovers. I back out. We drive off. All this time in our standard EVA gear that consists of a bulky rectangular backpack and a fishbowl-looking helmet.

We get to Robert’s Rock Garden, the place I visited two days ago. As we walk towards the hills, I scan the view. The red desert still amazes me, but in a way that familiar beauty does.

We reach our path up; it is hidden behind a white stone that reminds me of an antique bust worn out by eons of wind and sand. We climb up; we record the coordinates; we climb down. Just two orange dots bopping around the dead valley.

Back at the rover, an excavator drives past. A local man repairing the road. Jin snaps a picture of him, he snaps a picture of us. Both encountering the other – what is real?

Inga Popovaitė,

Journalist Report Oct 03rd

Crew 228 Journalist Report 03OCT2021

Author: Marufa Bhuiyan, Remote Crew Astronomer

Title: A mathematical poem on Mars and simulation of our mind

I.

You are the M-STAR, Eon of our generation and messenger of peace

Please tell us your stories and dreams, and where you’d like to go next.

Is it the Moon or Mars or Earth bound again?

Towards the Andromeda or in a different galaxy far away…

Which galaxy would you like to reside in? Then please CONTACT 3021.

II.

Maybe you will ‘time travel’ thousands of years

Please follow your “Imaginary time” at a 45 degree angle,

Carry your trinity in a style, or who knows you might fall into a beautiful Triangle.

If you could travel faster than lights, how old would you be?

You know they say “age” is just a number. Here’s a simple math, 1+2+3+4+5+6+7 = 28.

If you were sure of your immortality, would you live your life differently?

III.

Mr. Robert Frost said long ago “The Prophets really Prophecy as Mystics,

the Commentators Merely by Statistics”

Wherever you want to go my friend, “May the Force be with You”.

When we see a ‘bright star’ every now and then,

And we have a moment to think, “we will think of you”.

Hopefully someday we meet on Earth

‘In between our dreams’ or, in an interstellar journey on my rocket ‘88!

Until then, please take good care of your health and be happy.

IV.

So, the relationship with Mr. ‘X’ which had begun like an opening to the heavens,

Had sizzled in the middle when I believed I had outsmarted the Gods,

finally ended with a rude Earth landing!

Back to Eden? Enjoy the speed of your journey.

V.

Please remember, you are the chosen one, the best of the best,

“But you, children of space, restless in rest, you shall not be trapped nor tamed.”

When I was at MDRS in an analog astronaut training, oh it was not too long ago!

It was about our red planet, it was at the Mars Desert Research Station (#220) in 2020,

Now it seems so long ago!

At that time, I learned as a Crew Astronomer: “Please do not trigger others with your actions or words.”

and “Stay kind, it makes you beautiful.”

Crew 228 Journalist Report October 2nd

Forwarded from Ludovica Valentini:

THE “OVERVIEW EFFECT” AND BEYOND

By Ludovica Valentini, Remote Engineer

It was a crisp night in the Hab, the sky was surprisingly clear again
after many Sols of dust storms, and the stars were burning so bright.
Without thinking twice, the Areonauts headed to the observatory to
enjoy some sky watching. Everyone was so excited, it was their first
such chance during their newly started mission on Mars.

The crew got equipped and prepared the telescope so that the show
could finally begin. The Areonauts first pointed the lenses to the
Mars’ moon Phobos, and everyone was amazed to see the tiny details on
its surface. They took pictures of the craters while discussing what
to admire next. The time came to have a look at the second Martian
moon Deimos, then they let themselves hypnotize by the beauty of the
Milky Way painted across the sky, stretching from horizon to horizon.
The Areonauts were appreciating the charm of the Martian night sky,
someone was shooting photos, someone else admiring the sky and sharing
their excitement, until suddenly it got all silent…

A timeless moment, a breathtaking view, no words to express the
profound feelings invading their bodies. Still holding their breath,
they could look into each other’s eyes and recognize the same thrill.
The telescope was pointing right at their beloved Blue Marble. A
nostalgic moment that goes beyond words, and almost impossible to
convey. It was the experience itself of seeing the Earth standing out
from the pitch-black universe, that one cannot explain.

Memories started to come to their minds of when they first left the
Earth and for the first time, they looked down at their home planet
from above. In that precise moment, something happened in their minds,
and their perception of the Earth and of life started to change. That
Blue Dot surrounded by its strikingly thin atmosphere looked so
beautiful, and so fragile at the same time. There were no drawn
boundaries, no differences, no reasons for hate nor wars, everything
was just a continuous flow of marvelous lands, seas, and dancing
clouds, everything in constant change, and for this reason, unique
every time. The more the time was passing, the more these feelings
were growing profoundly in the crew while they were traveling to Mars.

By the time the Areonauts were approaching Mars, the Earth had become
just a tiny dot in the sky, home had never been so far. As soon as
they stepped foot on the Red Planet, the Areonauts worked hard to
settle in and launch their research programs. Days went by, but no one
would miss their daily glance at that Blue Dot in the sky, until the
weather got worse. Intense dust storms arrived, and the crew had to
cope with operational complications, some of their research being
paused, and to make matters worse, their little light in the sky had
disappeared behind a thick red blanket surrounding the Hab, for many
long Sols.

In the moment they could see that familiar appearance again through
the telescope, everything rewound in their minds back to when they
first experienced that breathless feeling. But this time, it felt
different. The Earth was not taking up most of their view anymore, to
the contrary they could barely discern it with the naked eye. This
time, it was beyond their first experience, this time, they could
observe their Earth as part of the universe. That opened up a
completely new perspective and new questions started to arise in the
Areonauts’ minds. They did not have the answers, yet, but one thing
they knew, those experiences had intensely changed their views and
they felt it their duty to share it once back to their dear Earth.

Never more than today, the so-called “overview effect”, a term coined
in 1987 by Frank White in the homonymous book, should be brought down
to the Earth and spread. The “overview effect” is the beginning of a
shift in your mindset as you move further away from the Earth’s
surface, it is a change in awareness and in the way you see our Earth.
We are part of this complex system, and we are all interconnected to
anything else in it, despite all the differences, or better, this big
machine does work thanks to this diversity. After all, we are all in
this together, aboard this giant and precious ship sailing an immense
ocean, while exploring new horizons, and aiming at the same
destination, a flourishing future for mankind and our home planet(s).

END

Journalist Report – October 01st

Journalist Report

Yuzo Shibata, Remote Agricultural Advisor

My Mind is Landing on Mars.

By Yuzo Shibata, Remote Agricultural Advisor

I live in Kyoto, Japan. It has about 1.5 million people and lots of universities and colleges. About 10% of the population is said to be students. There are also so many scientists here but this ancient capital filled with old temples and shrines seems to be able to change them into poets. I often discuss Mars exploration with scientists here. However, sometimes, the conclusion rather than scientific becomes poetic which is frustrating because I want to arrive at a scientific conclusion.

Also, we Japanese are a little weird ethinic group personifying everything including space rockets and probes with Manga and trying to communicate with them. For example, you can find some manga images of a little girl with solar panels named “HAYABUSA” (Japanese robotic spacecraft) on the net. Most Japanese people must love space exploration, but they don’t seem enthusiastic about manned exploration. They say, “Our friends, Curiosity and Percy have already lived on Mars. Why do you think you need to go there now?”

However, these thoughts might not be all bad. It may not be necessary to physically go to Mars by scientific and technological means, instead it might be good to take our mind to Mars by Poem and Manga power.

I wasn’t able to go to MDRS due to the pandemic as the GreenHab Officer this time, so I’m joining the mission as the Remote Agricultural Advisor from Kyoto now. From the viewpoint of cultivation, I pored over science papers about the climate of Mars over coffee. However, after I decided to be remote, I started reading science-fiction novels and comics, even reading poetry books such as Haiku (Japanese short form poetry) over tea. That might be because I unconsciously wanted only to take my mind to MDRS and Mars.

First, I read and watched “The Martian” again to get insight. (I’m not sure whether planting potatoes is a good solution, though.) However, this ancient capital filled with dynastic styled literature and beautiful four seasons gradually affects my mind. And now, I’m getting interested in the seasons on Mars rather than how to survive there.

The climate there is really hard to live in, so I can’t imagine how much people there would look forward to the winter solstice that comes once every two years. They must want to celebrate the day even more extravagantly than the Yule festival for the Germanic peoples. What should I plant for the festival? Chinese people eat dumplings and Japanese people take a citron bath. Also, It might be desirable to change the calendar based on earth’s seasons into a new one such as the Darian Calendar. The winter solstice would become New Year’s Day like ancient kingdoms in Mesopotamia and China.

Mars was called “Keikoku” in ancient China. It means “Confusion” in English because the movement and apparent brightness of this planet was unexpected. I’d like you to forgive me for confusing you with my excessive imagination taking my mind to MDRS and Mars. Now I promise to stop imagining and to concentrate on supporting the GreenHab Officer with scientific knowledge as the Remote Agricultural Advisor.

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